If somebody offered to take away my cancer and all of my pain and misery and suffering, take me back to the day I was diagnosed, and have that event in my life never happen, would I take them up on that offer? I would have a guarantee that I would never have to go through having cancer or dealing with cancer. Would I take that offer and return my life to the way it used to be? I know that some of us long for the way things used to be, I find myself so very often longing for things to be back to normal.
Well, my husband and I had a discussion this afternoon about this exact same subject. Someone had asked him if he could take away my cancer, would he? The answer was no, and here is why:
It has been a year of suffering and pain. Months spent trying to find out why I felt so lousy, why I had so much pain, then me discovering IBC on IBC research website. Being certain that that was exactly what I had, and yet going to 3 different doctors to get brushed off and told that it was nothing, or engourgement, or mastitis. As I continued to get sicker, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, sick to my stomach all the time, in pain all the time.
By the time I was finally diagnosed, I was first RELIEVED to figure out what was wrong with me and I felt vindicated to know that it wasn't just all in my head, and that I wasn't overreacting, and that I wasn't a hypocondriac.
Final diagnosis, Inflammatory breast cancer stage 4, mets to the bones (Back, hip, pelivis, femur, ribs) and a spot of cancer on my lung. Breast Tumor area is 9 inches around and 2 inches deep. (feels like a baseball in my breast)
I survived a 2 week whirlwind of tests and scans, biopsies and doctors visits. Within a week of being diagnosed, I had my port placed and chemo started.
I have finished 17 treatments of Taxol & Herceptin. I then had a modified radical mastectomy. I had a hysterectomy with ovaries removed. I am still on weekly Herceptin and monthly Zometa, and am currently doing radiation (5x a week for 6 weeks). Not to mention surviving these treatments, then you have the joy of paying for those treatments.
I lost my hair, I lost my eyelashes, and eyebrows, I lost some weight (YEAH!), I lost a breast, I lost my sense of taste and smell (which isn't necessarily a bad thing when you have to change your 20 month's old son's diapers) I tried not to loose my sense of humor, or my smile. I had a lot more fun going shopping for cute jammies instead of cute clothes. I seriously have more pj's than clothes in my closet now.
But lets take a minute here to talk about what I gained by having cancer
I gained an even closer, more loving, tender, relationship with my dear sweetheart, Dan. To see him take a more active role in the teaching, and caretaking of the children, To see him serve our family by doing dishes, washing laundry, all so I can rest. I know that even if my time here on earth is short, and if Dan has to take over my role in caring for our children, I KNOW he can do it, and he would be wonderful.
I feel a more profound and tender love for each of my children, and I have been able to see them step up and grow and help each other and me. I have seen their faith grow as with their simple prayers praying that Heavenly Father will make their mother all better. I take more delight in the simple things of reading a story with them, sitting and tickling their back, throwing a ball back and forth, or playing cars. There is more joy in the simple time we spend together.
There have been so many miracles wrought in our behalf. We have received countless hours of service from inspired friends and neighbors, who listened to promptings of the holy spirit, and filled a need for us without even being asked. We have had so many friends and family help watching the kids with all of my doctors appointments, surguries, test days, and sick days. Never once have we had an need that was not filled. We are so humbled by all of those who are willing to serve us, even those who don't really know us, but know OF us that have served and helped us. I had a small army of sisters come and clean my house from top to bottom. AMAZING!! The love that we feel from those that do that has brought such joy into our lives. The donations that have been freely given to us to help with doctor bills, or for Christmas for our family, friends being willing to do all of our shopping and wrapping of presents. Truly amazes me. I can say thank you a million times, and it still couldn't adequately describe the gratitude that my family and I feel. Saying Thank you just seems so trite, but I say it from the bottom of my heart, and hope those who have served and given feel that joy in their heart that comes from serving others.
So, even though this last year could be considered a year from hell, dealing with cancer and all of it's crap, this last year has been one of the best years of our lives. The blessings we have received, the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father, our testimonies of Christ, has brought our family together stronger than ever before. Old personality conflicts, once thought so deep and unsurrmountable, now have blossomed into precious, tender, friendships, where there once was jealousy and misunderstanding. The new friends we have met and been able to share this journey with has been another precious outcome from dealing with cancer. I wouldn't have met all of the wonderful gals who are also afflicted with this same disease. I find such comfort from them, and hope I bring a little of that comfort to your lives.
I am truly blessed. Not by having cancer, necessarily, but because of all of the wonderful things I have been able to see happen because I have cancer . I believe things happen for a reason, and when bad things happen, we can choose to learn and grow from them, or we can retreat into ourselves and become bitter and unhappy. I choose to grow and become what I am meant to become. I hope one day that I will be able to share this knowledge with others and be able to make someone's load lighter, like what has happened to me and my family time and time again.
Thank you all for being a part of my life, and my journey. I am so thankful for all of the love and prayers and support I receive. I cherish the friendships that have been forged, and the knowledge that I have learned.
So, I think I just might say, that what could possibly be the worst year in ones life, I am going to say that this has been the best year in my life. It is the best because I have never felt so loved, so looked out for, so richly blessed because of all those who step up and help and do so much more than we need, just because they want to help lighten our load. I feel so blessed to live where we live, around good people who truly love their neighbors.
So, no, I won't trade my cancer. Because I want to keep all of the precious experiences that have came into my life because of it.
Today I thought I would share a day in the life of radiation treatment. My appointment is at 6:45 am, so I have to leave between 5:45 and 6:00 depending on the weather. I drive 25 miles to the hospital, park, walk in, go to the radiation oncology office, and change into a hospital gown. Then because I am the first appointment of the day, the tech usually takes me right back to the machine. I lay on this hard table with my arms in these brackets, and this big machine, kind of like an x-ray machine, moves above and radiates the different treatment areas. They are radiating from my collar bone to bottom of rib cage, and from my sternum to armpit. The treatment takes about 15 minutes. Then I change and drive home. The whole process takes about 2 hours. I do this Monday-Friday, for 6 weeks.
So far so good, no real side effects to report. I am a little stiff and sore from laying on that hard table, and having my arms stretched up hurts the muscles from the mastectomy side, but that is all. The Dr. said it would be a couple of weeks before I should feel any side effects.
I can't believe Christmas is in 2 weeks. I haven't wrapped any presents or done any shopping. It feels really weird. At least it snowed on Friday, so it FEELS and LOOKS like Christmas. I love listening to Christmas music and enjoying my festive house. It has been nice to just enjoy the Christmas season without all of the stress of running around everywhere.
I need to share one more experience that happened last week.
A group of wonderful women, angels, came over to my house on Thursday to watch my 2 little ones and do "a little cleaning." They arranged for me to go shopping with friends and out to lunch. It was so fun to get out of the house with the girls and laugh and shop.
Then, when I got home, my house had been totally cleaned, DEEP cleaned, from top to bottom. All of these projects that probably haven't been done 6 months, they took care of in the 5 hours I was gone. Bathrooms scrubbed, fridge inside and out cleaned, floors cleaned, blinds washed, vacuumed all of the corners and behind furniture. Windows washed, furniture dusted, front porch swept, walls washed, kids rooms cleaned and organized and beds made, laundry washed and folded, dinner prepared.... AMAZING!!! I just walked around all the house and cried after they left. The house looked SO GOOD!!!!! Then they had someone come and clean the carpets on Friday. Words can not express how grateful we are. I have been so discouraged because I can't do deep cleaning. After being tired and sick and sore, I am physically unable to do so many things I would like to do. It is just amazing the service that was shown to me and my family. (Now if I can only get my kids to keep it clean for longer than an hour!!!!!)
We are truly blessed. I am so grateful for people who listen to the spirit, and are so willing to serve and follow Christ's example.
Imagine the title being said by frankenstein once he completed making his stitched together, haphazard monster. I feel like I have been cut apart and then put back together. I was cut from my sternum clear to under my arm for the mastectomy, and then 3 incisions on my tummy for the hysterectomy. Just in time for Halloween!
Yes, I am still alive, and recovering from surgery. I survived!!!! I feel a little like a spoiled child with all the presents I have received. Thank you everyone for all of your flowers and balloons and gifts and treats. I have been just giddy getting presents and flowers almost every single day since surgery. Thank you!!! Once I get feeling a little bit better, I will load some pictures of all the pretty flowers.
So anyway, here is a breakdown of all the fun I have been having the last 12 days. I had a laprascopic hysterectomy and modified radical mastectomy. I was swollen like a balloon, and black and blue from collar bone to pelvic bone. The first couple of days I couldn't even feed myself! I spent 2 nights in the hospital (on the same floor as all of the new moms and babies...boy I was sure glad I wasn't going to have to take care of a baby when I got home...every other time I have spent the night at the hospital it was when I had had a baby) It hurt so bad to get up and I was pretty miserable for a while there.
For the first couple days while I was home the kids stayed at various family members homes so I could just rest and sleep. That was heavenly! Our house was so quiet. I lived in my recliner. I am now up and moving around more, and I didn't even have to take any pain medicine today. Ask me a week ago, and I probably would have told you that I would never be off the pain meds. I even went and voted today!!!!
On another note, I have declared independence from my hats and scarves and wigs. If you see me out and about, you will probably encounter me with just my lovely peach fuzz. My hair is really growing in nice now... Caleb told me the other day, "Mom I think you should wear your wig because people who don't know you will think you are a boy." Out of the mouths of babes! They tell it how it is.
I received my pathology report from surgery. They found a couple of spots of cancer left in my breast, tiny really, compared to how much cancer there was before surgery. The two spots they found were .7cm and .9cm. The down side of this, is it looks like I will have to have radiation. I was really hoping to get out of it, but it doesn't look like I will.
I had my first of weekly Herceptin only today. It was so much easier to just have herceptin and Zometa, and no more taxol. Dr. Hanson recommended that I do weekly Herceptin instead of the triple dose every three weeks until we know whether the Herceptin can keep the cancer at bay well enough by itself. I also am supposed to start a drug called Aromasin today, which is a daily pill that will make it so my adrenal glands no longer convert fat to estrogen. All of these matienence treatments are to keep the cancer from growing and keep me alive forever. That is the goal anyway.
One more thought before I end this rambling, just in case anyone was wondering, I lost 2.19 pounds from having my breast removed. Hardest weight loss you could ever imagine...... I don't recommend it.
Here are the pictures........
 This picture is pre surgery in my cute new pink jammies with monkeys on them. I am holding the most adorable beanie baby bear with cute pink ribbons.
 This is me in the hospital the day after surgery. See, I told you I was swollen like a balloon. I think this is one of the worst pictures of me ever taken, but then again, I think this is the worst I have ever looked in my life!
 These are some pictures of the wonderful gifts I received at the hospital and once I was home. They have just brought me so much enjoyment!!!!!!
Saturday I was able to attend a Horizon of Hope luncheon thanks to Shauna and Drew Weidman. Dan is friends with Drew and referees football with him. They generously sponsored me to be able to attend. The speakers at this event were incredible, and really gave me so much strength and hope from listening to them speak. I also received a beautiful basket with goodies and a flower arrangement. I feel so humbled by how much the Lord blesses me and shows His tender mercies through the selfless giving and service of others.
It was a beautiful day on Sunday. Perfect fall weather, and beautiful fall leaves changing colors. I went for a walk with my kids, and even though I am pretty slow, it was wonderful to get out and enjoy this beautiful earth that we live in.
I am feeling great today. I feel better on my good days than I felt for months before I started treatments. Now if I can only get through surgery! I am really scared of that, and can't wait until it is over and done with. My surgery should be in the next couple of weeks, and as soon as I have a date scheduled for sure, I will let everyone know. I can't believe another week has passed. The days drag on (especially when I am feeling lousy from chemo) but the weeks fly by!
A man who lives in Willard named Don Tuft surprised us with a beautiful framed painting of the San Diego temple today. He painted it especially for us! We were so awed by his kindness! He said that he knows we are going through a hard time, but hopes that this painting will help us keep things in an eternal perspective. We are continually in awe of all the kindness and service that is shown to us. I think that if everyone everywhere would show this kind of love and charity to all this world would be a better place.
I think this website is kind of turning into a gratitude journal. I am so grateful and thankful to everyone for their loves, prayers, support, and kindnesses, whether great or small. YOU each make the difference of brightening my day and making it possible for our family to get through this trial well.
So here I am updating my blog. I had a couple of paragraphs typed up the other day to post, but Ammon came and pushed the power button and I lost my whole post.
Now I have a NEW computer. Dan surprised me with a new Apple MacBook for my birthday. So now I can sit anywhere and type.. In bed, in my recliner he recently bought me, at the hospital while getting chemo... etc. He is in so much trouble for spending so much money on me when we are already paying so much towards doctor bills. I joked with him that he is just buying me all of this nice stuff so he can have it when I die.
I enjoyed my week off from chemo. We had a fun Labor Day, and my sister in law Katie helped me take the kids to Brigham City Peach Day's this last weekend. It was really fun.
I actually feel so much better than I did before I was diagnosed with cancer on my good days. I was in so much pain and could hardly walk before from the bone mets. Now that my bones are healing, I can do so much more on the days when I'm not sick from the chemo. I look forward to the day when I am done with chemo. (which could be the middle to end of October).
I had a wonderful birthday. My kids did so much to make it special. They made me muffins for breakfast in bed, did a little parade with homemade parade floats, and were great about doing all their chores (with help from Dan's sister Ann).
Dan took me out to a really nice dinner at a restaurant called Hamiltons in Logan. They had the best service and delicious food. They really took there time serving you and it was a perfect evening.
I have several people ask me all the time how I can be so happy all the time when I have cancer. The reason is that I take time to enjoy life now and don't take things for granted. When you take the time to enjoy little things, then you are happier. There is always good in anything, you just have to choose to see it. You don't need to be sick with a terminal illness to do this. You just have to change your attitude. Also, people have been so kind and helpful, it is hard not to find joy. I have a neighboor, DeAnn who brings me flowers every week. They bring so much joy. We get cookies, goodies, and fresh produce from so many neighbors, it is so nice. Plus when you have so many people praying for you, it just helps you to get through the hard days. Some days I almost feel guilty because people do so much for us. It makes we wonder how people who don't have such a strong network of families and friends get through trials like this. I just have to be grateful to be so blessed, and look forward to the time when I can be healthy and be able to do for others like they have done for me.
Life is good!
Things I am grateful for today.
I'm grateful that I am still alive 3.5 months after being diagnosed with breast cancer. (Honestly when I was first told I had stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, I thought I was going to die, soon)
I'm grateful that I am feeling so much better than I was before treatment because the cancer is getting it's butt kicked. Yeah me, yeah herceptin, yeah Taxol, Yeah, Doc Hansen, doing a happy dance here! (And yes, I DO feel well enough to do a little happy dance...carefully. I wouldn't want to fall and break my cancer eaten hip)
I'm grateful that I can walk normally without pain, and that includes stairs and walking from the parking lot into Walmart without feeling like I ran a marathon.
I am grateful for a husband that is dating me now more than ever. I treasure our Tuesday night Bargain Movie night at Walker theaters. I love that he goes and buys me lunch during chemo so I have something to look forward to while I am spending 4-5 hours at the Doctor's office every week.
I am grateful for the drugs they give me to help with the side effects of the chemo treatments that make it possible for me to eat for a day and not feel sick. (Even though those same drugs make me wired and unable to sleep for 24-48 hours)
I am grateful for those who take time to care for my children so I can crash and sleep after not sleeping.
I am grateful that I had a desire to wake up at 5:00 am to go see a lunar eclipse. The next one isn't for 3 years, and I didn't want to miss my chance. I have an attitude of live in the NOW and TODAY, and I get excited about beautiful things in this universe. It was awesome and if you missed out, you'll have to wait 3 years.
I am grateful for the 3 delicious meals a week our friends and neighbors bring us. I am also grateful (and so are my kids) that I feel well enough to cook a favorite meal that they get to choose once or twice a week.
I am SO grateful that the kids are back in school with wonderful teachers stimulating their minds and filling their days with knowledge and learning, and thus filling my days with relaxation and peace!
I am very grateful that I don't have to go to Chemo next week, and will hopefully have some time to scrapbook and relax, and maybe go shopping. (It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. I told dan that since I am a druggie, he can just buy me some drugs for my birthday. -Legal-medically necessary-physician prescribed drugs- He just laughed. I wasn't kidding. I don't think he has ever had to spend so much money on me. I've tried not to be a high maintenacne wife with manicures, pedicures, monthly hair highlighting etc. Now I require thousands of dollars worth of drugs every month to keep me alive) Which leads me to my next thing...
I am grateful for our Health Insurance and Catastrophic coverage. Without this, we would be DEAD. (Or at least I would be). We have hit our yearly out of pocket maximum, and, now they are paying everything at a 100% until the end of the year. It is such a blessing that Dan is a wonderful provider for our family, and works so hard to provide everything that we need.
I am grateful for YOU all of our friends and family. Thankful for your well wishes, prayers, small gifts of bread, flowers, and other things that brighten our day.
I am grateful if you read this long post. This blog is more for me than anyone else so I can have a journal of my journey and experiences. And if some small way I can make a difference in someone else's life, that is just a bonus!
A little more than week ago I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. With subsequent tests they have found that it is Stage 4 because it has spread to my bones and a tiny spot on my lung. I feel so blessed because of all of the inspiration and actions of others that hastened my diagnosis and got me in the care of Doctors who can heal me. Heavenly Father was truly looking out for me and guiding me to get the help I need. I have felt the love and concern of sisters in the gospel who I have never met before, but who listened to the promptings of the Spirit to get me the help that I need.
My doctor says that I have an excellent chance of going into remission. I will have 4-6 months of Chemotherapy, followed by a Mastectomy and then Radiation. My family and I have a long hard road ahead of us. A friend of ours quoted a scripture to us that says, “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” (1 Nephi 11:17)
I don’t understand why I have been given this trial, but I do know that my Savior will be there every step of the way to help me and my family get through this. I have already felt His love and His strength as I have gone through the many tests and biopsies. I have felt so blessed by the priesthood blessings that I have received. Through the Atonement, my Savior has already been through the pain and sorrow of this, and he will strengthen me so I can bear this trial, and not only get through it, but get through it well.
I had my Portacath placed on Thursday May 17th. I was sad that night because I knew that this whole long road of chemo and surgery had begun, and it was really real, and there was no going back. Life was different from now on. I felt quite heavy hearted.
The next morning while I was lying on the couch in pain and miserable from my surgery the day before, there was a knock on the door. My mom answered the door and was told by the sister there that there would be a couple of people working in the flower beds for a while, so if we looked outside and saw people in the yard, that is what was going on. A little while later when I looked out the window, I was amazed by the army of women (and a few men) working to transform my yard. There were more people than I could count! They were there for hours, and then later even more people came and brought bark and spread it around all of the flower beds. We will never be able to express how grateful we are!!! Thank you to everyone who helped!
Even in the midst of this terrible trial, I have never felt more loved or more blessed! That so many would give of their time to make my flower beds more beautiful than they have been in ages, I feel so humbled! Thank you so much! Dan has been so worried about the yard with the shift of household responsibilities to him. You have lifted his burden so much! Words seem so trite, but we are so grateful!
We are amazed at the outpouring of love we have felt from the phone calls, meals already brought, and all of the offers of help. It makes me think of the scripture Mosiah 24:14-15 “14. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
“15. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid… were made light; yea the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”
There have been so many stories of afflictions and trials that people have suffered through in the scriptures and church history. My trial is so much easier that what so many others have gone through. I don’t know why, but I know that Heavenly Father does, and that this is His plan, and that he will cause many more wonderful things to happen through this trial. I pray that I can be an example and that someday I will be able to serve others the way that others have so unselfishly been serving me and my family. Thank you so much once again for all of your prayers and kindnesses. We love you all and are so grateful!
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